As the party walks through the fields of a nearby town, they notice a strange smell in the air. Those with a keener sense of smell can determine that it is the smell of fresh cow pies, more than anyone has ever smelt in their entire lives.
Cresting a hill, the party understands why such a smell is lingering in the air. In front of them, seemingly stretching to the horizon are fields and fields of cows. The finest Angus, Hereford, Gelbvieh, and Holsteins the party has ever laid eyes on. The cows roam freely in the fields with one fine fence engulfing the entire area. In reality, the cows graze amongst 250 hectares near a small town with a river running through it.
Noses clenched and heading further into the area, the party will see banners and colorful ribbons hung about the town, with tiny cow emblems adoring homes. If the party runs into any of the townsfolk, they will note that it’s the Decades-end Barbecue, the greatest event the town hosts. People come from far and wide to partake in the town’s finest meats, grilled to perfection with various cooking techniques. The townsfolk are over the moon that the adventurers have come just in time, and invite them to join in the festivities that will take place the entire next day.
If the party wants some downtime activities, they can assist with any of the following for 5gp:
- Massage the cows that will be slaughtered and cooked the next day
- Grabbing the bull by the horns (literally) to sharpen them for the annual running of the bulls
- Cleaning stalls or collecting mud pies for the annual Pie in the Sky event
- Sharpening cutting utensils for the butchers that will be cutting up the meat
There are standard shops in town as well, all with cow-themed names:
- Bovines and Wines General Store
- Shorthorns and Shortswords – Blacksmith
- Cows, Cowls, and Clothes – Tailor
- Tell us some others in the comments below!
As the sun sets for the day, the party will run into a farmer leaning against a fence and staring at the cows. He seems lost in thought and will be startled by the party. He will introduce himself as Hugh Heifer and apologize for being startled.
He is concerned because each night, the cows seem to gather in the same area of the field, forming a circle around one particular steer named Harold. While Hugh can’t be certain, it seems as though Harold is orating to the other cattle, almost like they’re planning something. He shakes it off, saying he must be crazy. He bids the party goodnight, noting the fun festivities the next day will bring.
Have Your Herd The Bad News?
The party wakes up to yells from throughout the town, along with a light rain that can be heard on the roof of wherever they stayed. Emerging from their dwelling, the townsfolk are frantically scurrying about town, along with cows darting left and right through the alleyways.
The rain picks up, moving from a drizzle to a downpour, making it even harder for the townsfolk to collect their various grilling and butchering supplies.
“Quickly,” a deep voice yells, “mooo-ve into the town hall! We’ll be dry there. Plus it’s got plenty of space for us to cook!”
Townsfolk begin making way for the town hall in the middle of all the other buildings, dodging cows as they scamper through the streets, crying at the thought of their beloved once-in-ten-years event being in shambles from the rain. The party can assist or make their way to the town hall. No one will notice one way or another.
As they make their way to the hall, they sense something staring at them. A high perception check will reveal that the cows have stopped scurrying, and have formed what look to be barricades to all alleyways around the town hall, blocking the last of the townsfolk in. The cows stare at the party with expressionless cud-chewing faces.
If the party attempts to leave, they will be swarmed by the cows and shoved into the town hall, regardless of strength checks (DM’s discretion).
Oxen Morons
With the party as the last to enter the town hall, the cows continue to swarm outside, shoving them in and butting the doors closed with their heads.
The town hall is large and spacious, the height of two stories, but with no second floor. Instead there are large glass windows lining the second-story walls, each lighting up as lightning flashes outside.
As the rain pours and thunder crashes, the townspeople begin to panic. One man, identifying himself as Boss Torruss, tries to calm them down. “Now now, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for all of this. It’s not like the delicious cows we were about to eat are smart enough to trap us in here.”
Right when he finishes his sentence, the windows shatter in unison, torches flying in from every side. One lands perfectly in one of the barbecue setups, setting it on fire. Everyone screams and looks up as the center window shatters and a dark figure hovers through it on a storm cloud.
Lowering itself down into the room, it is revealed that a huge steer (Harold from the day before) is the shadowed figure. As he speaks, a ball of lightning begins to form in his hands.
“While some of you imbeciles know me as Harold, my true name is Morgana Fillet, and this is your day of reckoning. Renounce the ways of the beef, turning only to greens, and you may all go freely.”
Boss Torruss stands and yells, “This is our right once every decade, we aren’t going to stop just because some yak in a hat comes waltzing into our town hall on a cloud!”
Boss opens his mouth to speak again, but Morgana unloads a Lightning Bolt, that turns Boss to ash. The townspeople shriek, and Morgana laughs, “any others who wish to speak? Or will you die like cattle in this hall?”
None of the townspeople move, “time to cull the herd, we are simply doing what you would have done to us today,” Morgana snorts. He lifts out of the hall, his eyes alight with lightning. More bolts of lightning strike out, setting fire to the hall in various places.
The fire will spread 1d4 spaces per round as the party rolls for initiative. They must find a way out of the hall as all exits are blocked or locked. The main door appears to have a large impediment on the other side (it’s actually an oversized German Angus that is sitting in front of the door). DM’s discretion for the different ways out, but the townsfolk are useless when it comes to escaping or putting the fire out. Most will cower into a corner.
Moo-ving On
Once they party finds a way out of the town hall (potentially freeing the townsfolk as well), they will encounter Morgana again, this time surrounded by several mignons (ope! minions).
Before the party in the field of battle are several steers, stat block below, and Morgana.
Throughout the battle, Morgana will continue to leverage lightning and storm-related spells, making cow puns as he moves around the battlemap.
- Earth Tremor / Mold Earth – “Beware the ground beef” or “Time to put a stake in the ground”
- Lightning Bolt – “Best to steer clear” or “The most prime of ribs”
- Thunderwave – “Feel the smash burger”
- Thunder Step – “Try this quick beef stir-fryyyyy”
- (we didn’t say they were good cow puns
As the battle rages, townsfolk will scamper back to their homes, but some may stay and watch from a safe distance, applauding the party when they get solid hits on the bovine enemies.
Try Tips?
Once the battle concludes and the party dispatches of Morgana in one way or another, the townsfolk crowd around again. They are ecstatic and cannot stop thanking the party. They will allow the party to help themselves to any of the meat left on the battlefield and will give recipe tips while they scavenge.
The party will also recieve a “Burger Flipper,” a rare item that, when activated will flip a creature ten feet into the air, forcing them to land head down.
They will also receive the Moore Cowbell, from Martina Moore, the former best-in-show cattle breeder. The cowbell may not look magical, but it does add +2 to all performance checks related to music.
Lastly, as the clouds part and the rain subsides, the townsfolk will thank the party for saving their festivities. While they are not sure if they will continue today, they will discuss over the next years to determine how to proceed. On that day, the party is welcome to return and will be featured at the head table.
Stat Block Text
Steer
Medium beast (cattle), lawful evil
Armor Class
11 (studded leather)
Hit Points
34 (4d8 + 16)
Speed
20 ft.
STR
16 (+3)
DEX
8 (-1)
CON
18 (+4)
INT
3 (-4)
WIS
10 (+0)
CHA
3 (-4)
Damage Immunities
lightning
Condition Immunities
restrained
Senses
darkvision 30 ft., passive Perception 10
Languages
Common
Challenge
1 (200 XP)
4-Stomach Processing.
Due to the incredible digestive system, the steer is immune to any sort of poison damage.
Actions
Multiattack.
The steer is able to perform two attacks per turn between Ram, Hooves, and Horns. They can select different targets if using Hooves and Hooves or Ram. Otherwise, it must be the same target.
Ram.
Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d6 + 3) bludgeoning damage.
Horns.
Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 1d8 + 3 piercing damage.
Hooves.
Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 1d6 + 3 bludgeoning damage
Morgana Fillet
Medium beast (cattle), 6th Level Wizard
Armor Class
12 (natural armor)
Hit Points
42 (5d8 + 20)
Speed
20 ft.
STR
8 (-1)
DEX
8 (-1)
CON
18 (+4)
INT
16 (+3)
WIS
10 (+0)
CHA
12 (+1)
Damage Immunities
lightning
Condition Immunities
restrained
Senses
darkvision 30 ft., passive Perception 10
Languages
Common
Challenge
1 (200 XP)
4-Stomach Processing.
Due to the incredible digestive system, the steer is immune to any sort of poison damage.
Cantrips.
Lightning Lure, Mold Earth, Thunderclap, Gust
1st Level Spells.
Earth Tremor, Thunderwave, Mage Armor, Longstrider
2nd Level Spells.
Pyrotechnics, Darkness, Levitate
3rd Level Spells.
Lightning Bolt, Sleet Storm, Thunder Step
Actions
Ram.
Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d6 + 3) bludgeoning damage.
Horns.
Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 1d8 + 3 piercing damage.
Hooves.
Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 1d6 + 3 bludgeoning damage
